Funny inspection stories...

[Michael Tompkins]

Humorous inspection story No. 1 of 3

The requirements for keeping your unit and rank patches on your Class A and Class B uniforms up to date at my first unit were rather lax. We were rarely ever required to wear them simply because of the type of duty we pulled. One day, we had to stand inspection in our Class A uniforms because of an IG inspection we were enduring.

On this particular day, my roommate had not bothered to update his rank or his unit patches. He had about a half-hour to get his $hit together before we had to assemble. Since he had no time to sew on either of his patches, he decided to glue them on.

As we assembled in front of the barracks, the MPs formed their own ranks two deep. Shampane left the room and made his way down the stairs to the assembly area, the whole time with his hands over his patches...trying to keep them pressed on. I was in the back row and my roommate, Shampane, stood directly in front of me. Of course, I was checking out his glue-job to see if they were holding on...and they weren't. I could see the top edge of each of the patches starting to peel away. The inspecting officer was slowly making his way down the ranks. I looked around without turning my head and carefully reached my hand up from behind and pressed each patch back into place. As luck would have it, just as the officer passed with a glance to Shampane, the patches started to peel away again. Within a few seconds, the unit patch had peeled away completely and fell to the ground, but the inspecting officer had already made his way to the end of the ranks. Crisis averted!...but, only momentarily. It did not go unnoticed. The falling patch had caught our platoon leader's eye. After our leaders were free to dismiss us, the Lt held Shampane back to chew his ass.

To make things even tougher, our rooms had to stand inspection as well. With wall lockers open, Shampane had to display his Class A's, peeling patches and all, in his locker while he stood next to it at attention. I can't say that they weren't noticed, but nothing was said about them. I had a good laugh over it.

Mike

[Michael Tompkins]

Story No. 2

While standing an IG inspection again at my next duty assignment, the inspecting officer, a major, followed by my squad leader entered my room. Now, I had spent a lot of time getting my room ready and it was definitely squared-away. It was an open locker and junk-on-the-bunk inspection again.

Hanging from a hook on the wall was an extra set of web gear I had purchased at Clothing Sales. I had a good set for MP duty and I had a set that I used when we went to the field. I know, that probably sounds a little anal, but I was proud of my appearance.

Anyway, the IG looked at my TA-50 on the bunk and then at the set on the wall. He asked me who's it was. I said it was mine and explained to him why I had 2 sets. He then asked me if I could produce a bill of sale from Clothing Sales to prove that I had indeed purchased it. I said that I could not. He then informed me that he could have my extra set of TA-50 "confisticated".

I thought to myself..."con-fist-ti-cated?" Is that even a word??

So, I asked him out loud, "Sir, are you sure you don't mean confiscated?"

At that instant, he realized that he had made a mistake and became silently furious that I had corrected him. He gave me the iciest stare and without saying a word, did an about-face and left my room. My squad leader gave me that look, like, "What in the f--k did you just do???"

I had nothing to apologize for. I wasn't a thief, but at the same time he was no spelling bee winner either. It wasn't until he had left and we had passed that we laughed our asses off. I was a hero for a day for getting one over on an officer.

Mike

[Michael Tompkins]

No. 3

While getting ready to stand inspection during basic training, we were standing at parade rest. The guy next to me pulled a lighter out of his pocket to burn off some loose strings. He burned them off and then thought that is would be funny to give the guy in front of him, Pagano, a hot-seat.

He reached up and held the flame there for several seconds...no reaction. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Just then we were called to attention. We stood at attention for a several minutes while we were looked over and talked to. After that we were dismissed. Just as we were dismissed, Pagano wheeled around and grabbed the guy who had the held the lighter by the neck with both hands and started yelling, "I'm on f--king fire! I'm on f--king fire!"

Sure enough, Pagano spread his legs apart and showed us where a flame had slowly burned over the course of the inspection. He had about a 4" diameter hole in his pants at his crotch. Our DI had started to walk away, but then turned to yell, "What the Hell's going on over there?" Pagano snapped back around and said. "Nothing, Drill Sergeant!!" He seemed satisfied and left. The guy couldn't believe Pagano didn't dime-him out. We laughed about it later.

Mike

[alibi]

In high school ROTC we wore uniforms one day a week. One day while wearing the summer khaki uniform we were standing inspection for someone important, probably the Colonel - Professor of Military Science (PMS). Construction on our school had just been completed two years previously and there wasn’t a lot of plant landscaping and mostly unpaved, so it was dusty where we usually conducted drill and ceremonies. I was in a rear rank and saw a cadet standing in the squad ahead (we were at open ranks so he was several feet away from me) who apparently thought he would wipe the dust off of his shoes by brushing them alternately on the rear of his trouser legs. It was a warm day and the polish on his shoes had softened and he left black smears on his trousers. He probably didn’t do his shoes any good either. I was both amused and concerned for what would happen when he was inspected. The cadet was a know-it-all so I was hoping he would get what he deserved, but the inspector merely told him that he understood the dusty conditions and that the cadet should have known better than wipe his shoes on his trousers.

On another formal inspection in which I was either a cadet platoon leader or company commander as the inspector approached I was confused if I should salute as soon as he got within the prescribed 30 feet or stood in front of me to receive my report. On the better-safe than-sorry theory I saluted and reported as soon as he approached me to start the inspection. He merely stated “Wait until I get there” and I started all over again after he positioned himself in front of me. The inspection went fine and I never again got confused how and when to report to an inspecting officer.

I was inducted into the Army and after basic training, advanced training and an additional school, reported to my duty assignment where life in the barracks was pretty lax. If we weren’t inspected once in awhile the barracks would have never been cleaned, trash taken out and etc., because all of the NCOs lived elsewhere and never came around. This was at Fort Ord, which was a year around winter uniform post. I had acquired a gray wool blanket from a surplus store for extra warmth, but for inspection I folded it up and put it in my wall locker. The company commander came through on an inspection and the barracks was in pretty good shape. He saw my blanket and asked where I got it. He then said that there had been blankets stolen from the barracks in the company area. I told him the blanket was gray and he got down to within a few inches of it and declared “So it is.” After the inspection I looked at my blanket within the same distance he had and in the dim barracks lighting I couldn’t tell what color it was, so I guess he just took my word for it.

It was either this same inspection or another in the same unit that one of the guys on our watch didn’t have the correct rank insignia on his khaki uniforms, because we never wore them. This was a military police company so we had been issued extra khaki uniforms, and he had hung laundry tags on all of the clothes hangers that would have otherwise displayed his khakis. He claimed that he wanted the uniforms ready for inspection but forgot to pick them up from the cleaners. Needless to say he got chastised for the obvious ploy, but there really wasn’t anything the company commander could do about it at the time. After the inspection we all had to see what he had done, and we were all amused, but forever after ragged on him about it. He got permission to live off post and probably never got around to sewing the current rank on his khakis, and may not have picked them up from the cleaners - if they were ever there. If he had been in my unit I would have ordered him to report to the First Sergeant with those uniforms for inspection, but I don’t think any thing was done about it.

While in OCS we were issued field equipment that had to be displayed and ready for inspection except when we were in the field. The class leaders had done some things to help with the austerity of the hutments we were billeted in and had put a potted plant on the stoop of every 2-man hutment. I got into the habit of emptying my canteen into the pot and our plant did very well. One day shortly after we returned from the field we stood the last of many inspections. The Lt. Col. company commander pulled my field gear off the shelf and found I had neglected to remove the canteen cup from the cover and clean it, so it had dirt and debris in it that was obvious. We were very near the end of the cycle and graduation and we were wearing our selected branch insignia, in my case armor. The infantry branch CO showed me the dirty canteen cup still in the cover, and said something amusing about armor soldiers liking their coffee with dirt in it, and nothing more came of it. Other than being struck speechless and wanting to crawl into that cup at the time, I realized I had been distracted emptying the water from the canteen into the plant soil and forgot to pull the cup.

BTW on graduation day our very healthy flower was taken by someone, probably family members of one of the newly pinned 2lts, so I guess my regular watering of it was appreciated.

My last assignment was CO of an Army Reserve public affairs unit. When I was interviewed for the position I was asked if I could work with the delicate balance of creative people and military protocol. The unit went through a number of headquarters and MTOE changes during the time I was there. I was tolerant of minor gaffs in military protocol but was astonished that during one inspection by the Lt. Col. CO of the battalion then supporting my unit that most of the soldiers were wearing distinctive unit insignia from headquarters other than the current one. One of the SFCs was wearing two different unit distinctive insignia, one on the epaulets and a different one on the garrison cap. I reflected back on the ROTC inspection in which I reported before the inspector got to me, and that I had just reported the unit ready for inspection when I saw these different distinctive unit insignia, which wasn’t all that amusing to me at the time.

[m1ashooter]

The USAF is never been known for its spit and polish unless you were a SP. In my time the SP's were the like being in the military and the rest of us a loose formation of guys in uniform. For some reason in the mid 80's the SAC IG decided that an open ranks inspection in class A's was going to be part of the visit. Because of this all of us had to buy the wheel hat ie; bus drives hat because almost to a man the flight cap was our head gear.

The IG lands at Minot AFB, a blizzard then sets in, we have snow up to our butt and we are called to the gym for a pre inspection of our class A's. So there we are trying to keep neat and clean busting through snow drifts and snert. There we were in the gym in our class A's with little mud puddles forming around our feet as the snert melted. What a complete joke. All this exercise did was increase sales for clothing sales. I don't think I wore my class A's more then a dozen time in 13 years of active duty. I did wear a parka almost year round though.

[JohnPeeff]

During basic training at Ft Bliss, TX some 2star and our brigade commander were inspecting our mess hall. As we were turning in our trays and filing out the general walked over and asked an older draftee what he thought of the food who replied without hesitation " They ought to give me a Ranger Tab for eating this ****" and walked out. As far as I know nothing happened-to him!

[Michaelp]

My grandfather told of a mass inspection held for General Pershing in France.

He said they stood for hours in pouring rain.

Finally the General showed up and sped by in a huge limo, splashing mud over all in range.

[Michael Tompkins]

Ahh...the general's limo reminded me of another story. During the same "patch" IG story, I pranked the IG. Our battery had too many troops to house in the barracks in Hontheim, so several of us were billeted in a hotel in Bausendorf. The entire hotel was rented out for us. While returning from my favorite local gasthaus with my best buddy, I noticed the IG's staff car parked in the rear in the alley of "Rosie's". I thought it would be funny to let the air out of his tires. My buddy didn't think it a good idea, but I went over anyway. I found 4 really small pebbles and placed one inside each valve stem cap and then screwed them back on. If you listened closely, you could hear the air hissing as the rocks did their business.

Next morning was the first of the 3 days of inspections. We stood ready for about an hour, but had to head down range for the towers. IG didn't show up. As a matter of fact, he was 3 hours late. I heard thru the grape vine that he arrived and was NOT in a good mood. By the way, our battery failed after 3 days. MPs passed, but that was it. My buddy and me never told ANYONE what I did.

[Marine A5 Sniper Rifle]

When I returned from RVN, I was transferred to Camp Pendleton. Upon my arrival, I was asked if I could type. I said yes, and they made me the base adjutant's secretary. My old RVN unit was at Pendleton also (Camp Margarita), and my old Staff Sergeant had to report to the adjutant on occasion. He was miffed when I always made him wait to see the adjutant (we never liked each other), and I would do it just to piss him off. I eventually got caught throwing away some mail instead of filing it, and was sent to my old unit at Camp Margarita to clean cosmoline out of 105 howitzer barrels for punishment.

I show up at CM, and they see I have experience as the adjutant's secretary, and they make me the Camp Margarita Librarian (TM library - one of two air conditioned offices on base). Since I was part of the Walking Wounded brigade, I didn't have to do PT. I would fall in every morning, and as they went off on a 3 mile jog, I would fall out and watch the waves come in (Camp Margarita is on the beach). My old buddy the Staff Sergeant, watched this go on for a few days, then informed us one morning that the next day's formation would be on the mall grass in front of the Company Office.

All went well the next day until the Company CO started down the stairs to inspect us. My old buddy, the Staff Sergeant, suddenly called for a skivvy inspection, which meant we had to drop trou. You see, he knew I didn't wear skivvies from our time in RVN. As the Company CO walked up, the first thing he saw was me standing there with all my pitiful junk dangling in the breeze in the front row. The look on his face was priceless, as probably was the look on mine. It seemed every BAM on the base chose that time to come waltzing by, and they all started whistling. Normally stoic killer Marines were laughing so hard, a couple were actually choking. I was standing at attention, although not "erect" if you know what I mean. We were ordered to pull up trou without a single comment from anyone about my obvious lack of protocol. When the Company CO finally got to me, he pulled out a dollar bill and held it out to me, and in a very gruff voice, told me to get my a$$ to supply and buy some regulation shivvies. I took the dollar bill and answered "Yes, Sir"! They never caught me again. I finished my tour of duty as a Marine Combat Librarian on the beautiful beach at Camp Margarita! My office window faced the beach, which was only about 50 meters from our building.

jt

PS
My superior over the library was the Staff NCO that told Charles Whitman to go home and take an aspirin. He had been there ever since.

[Marine A5 Sniper Rifle]

Marines do no work on their birthdays. At least our unit didn't. My old buddy, the Staff Sergeant, placed me on guard duty, walking around a remote armory at night with a loaded M-14, on my birthday in a successful move to really piss me off. It seems some Cuban Nationalists had broken into several military armories to steal automatic weapons, and we wanted to be ready for them. There was a Marine inside with an M-60, a Marine on top of the building with a M-14, and me patrolling the ground. There were spotlights everywhere, and we were way out in the boondocks. Tarantulas came out at night and sat under the lights for some reason. Really big suckers. Really big nasty looking scumbag suckers.

One night, the guy above me called down and told me there was a skunk following me. I looked behind me, and there was a Peppy La Pew bee bopping along right behind me. I went to a brisk walk and he just kept following me. I took off running and the little sucker kept up the pace. I had no idea why a stupid skunk wanted to follow me, but I wanted no part of him. I ran around the building twice and he was still behind me, so I jumped off the loading dock and took off down the street at what could best be called a wild ass panic retreat. I was running full bore when the OD's Jeep rounded a corner and stopped right in front of me. I stopped running, looked back, and saw nothing. I spent the next hour trying to convince the OD that I wasn't insane. It seems a skunk threatening a Marine armed with a loaded M-14 isn't sufficient reason to abandon your post. In a move that seems logical only to the Marine Corps, my punishment was to double my time as armory guard. Go figure.

jt

[Art]

When I was in Korea I was assigned to a Nike D/S unit attached to a battery in central Korea. The place hadn't had an inspection of any kind in years and obviously the folks assigned there liked it that way. We were efficient at our job, very efficient in deed, but McHale's Navy had nothing on us. We were the biggest bunch of Sad Sacks as far as appearance went you could possibly immagine. One of the unwritten rules we had was no accidents. Now we supported three batteries and spent a lot of time on those Korean roads that were really sorry then so of course we had accidents. We were a handy lot and just fixed them ourselves, and none of them were ever reported.

There was an old boy who was on his third consecutive tour. He loved the place, no spit and polish, easy access to good liquor and bad women at popular prices. When I got there the old boy hadn't left the country in two years and he still had almost a year to go on his third tour, hell he had re-upped to stay in Korea. Well one night he got "likkered up" and decided to take an M109 Shop Van for a little ride. For you folks who have never seen one it's a 2 1/2 ton 6x6 M35 truck chassis with an insulated about 8x12 room with eletrical hook ups and power jacks to run electronics tests and repairs in the field. I always though one of those M109s would make the greatest camper on the planet. We never used them as a shop that but it could be done. We just used them to get to the work. They were honkin big sunny guns. Well back to the joy ride. Our hero ran the aforementioned M109 van off a cliff, fortunately not a real high one. When the warrant officer who ran our little outfit found him he was sleeping it off on a blanket by the road. I didn't witness this part but from the veracity of the witnesses and my personal knowledge of the players in the piece I'm sure it was reported accurately. The warrant officer was a huge man, 6'7" tall and over 300 pounds. He yanked the blanket out from under the drunk and sent him rolling down the hill. When he came crawling up the warrant officer drew his .45 and said "if you weren't such a d@mned good technician God help me I'd kill you right now."

We got a 5 ton cargo truck with a wench and made an "informal requisition" of a 5 ton wrecker and winched the truck up the hill. then we towed it back to our place and worked 2 1/2 days, day and night, to fix it. The thing looked better than new when we were done and ran fine. There was one fly in the buttermilk though. The frame was bent and the cab had about a 5 degree list to port. There was another problem too, a personal one, the truck was assigned to me. The drunk hadn't bothered to take his own truck.

Well a couple of weeks later we got word that the unit was going to have it's first inspection in nearly 10 years and as part of it we had to stand by our vehicles. Everyone was worried about the truck and no one could think of an explanation. Telling the truth was out of the question of course since we were all co conspirators. I was basically told to "wing it" if I was asked anything about the truck's condition by the inspecting officer. Well the captain who was doing the actual inspection came by asked me a couple of questions, looked at the truck, looked back at me looked at the truck again and started to say something, stopped himself and went to the next guy. I know he was thinking do I really, really want to ask about this truck.

[mike24d20]

Art: What part of Korea were you at? an also what year? I was in country from 73-74 an 75-76. Was in a HAWK missle site an was stationed behind Camp Humphreys an behind Osan AFB as their main air defense. An yes you could find cheap booze an heated floors an even cheaper ######. An do you not miss the smell of kimchee breath in the morning?

[Art]

Art: What part of Korea were you at? an also what year? I was in country from 73-74 an 75-76. Was in a HAWK missle site an was stationed behind Camp Humphreys an behind Osan AFB as their main air defense. An yes you could find cheap booze an heated floors an even cheaper ######. An do you not miss the smell of kimchee breath in the morning?

I was in Korea from 12/67 to 2/69. The few extra weeks I was there got me an early out since I would have had just under 6 months left on my hitch when I left.

My unit was based at Camp Humphries but one independent direct support platoon of us was about 80 miles down the road at a place called Teachon, sometimes spelled Daechon in English. The Nike battery we were right next to but not actually attached to was right down the road from the "Sea Range." The only real connection we had with that Nike site was we ate there.

[mike24d20]

The unit I was with in 73 was A-1-44 an our hq was at Reno hill. In 75 I was with C-1-2 near a ROK army base which is where we got our KATUSAS from. My maintiance shop had a tough lil E-5 from korea that was real good with the missle systems. Fired a lot of missles from Daechon when I was there, also saw secert nike schematics that were beign used too wrap up fish in.

[John Sukey]

One thing i always remembered about IG inspections was that everyone loaded the "extra" spare parts we kept, in the trunks of their cars untill the inspectors left.
The two biggest liars on base.
IG Team; We're here to help you
Base commander; We're happy to see you.

[Dan Shapiro]

Winter - 1968 - Herzogenaurach, Germany. We're awakened in the middle of the night for a "security alert". Everyone dons combat gear and draws a weapon from the armory. Then we're marched out to the base perimeter fence and placed about 20 yards apart from one another in order to repel "demonstrators". About 45 minutes later the 'inspection team' walks the line. The major in charge is incensed that I have no water in my canteen. He wants to know why I'm not prepared to repel demonstrators. I simply said, "Major, if they'd given me ammunition for my rifle, believe me, I'd have filled my canteen."

He didn't ask any more questions.

[Doug Douglass]

Winter 1964, we were the only two Coast Guardsman in NATTU's Photo School at NAS Pensacola in a class of squids, jarheads, waves, and one nasty WM. Since we were E3 and E4 we were in charge of the class, marching, set watches etc.. Sully was a Radarman 3rd class changing rate to a photographer so he could make rate faster and have more shore duty with his young family. I was a SNPH striker and had to do A school before making E4. Well the Navy really didn't know much about the Coast Guard and what to do with us being we were TAD attached to the 8th CG District and paid via the US mail, and me with seaman strips in an avaition rate, all which confused them to no end. So almost anything we said or did was okay with them. Very few Navy even knew what the white shield on our right sleeve was. One day there was a scheduled sea bag inspection and Sully being in for a while and married was short several items in his sea bag and didn't have the money to replace them. Since we were in different rooms I told him I would remove the same issued clothing items he was missing from my sea bag and we would tell the inspecting Navy Lt. that what we had was all that the Coast Guard had issued us. It worked like a charm.

(Last week I drove down to the Navy Air Museum in Penscola and the old photo school building is still there, but a lot of the old frame buildings were wiped our by hurricanes.)

[Dan Shapiro]

During an IG inspection in Germany, the Colonel doing all the inspecting was full of questions. When he finally got done, he smiled and asked me if I had any questions of him. So I said, "Sir, do you ever get tired of the smell of fresh paint where ever you go?"

The 1st Sgt got red in the face, the colonel didn't stop laughing for 5 minutes.

[Ltdave]

when i was a Lowry AFB Colorado, i had been told by a departing roommate, that the easiest way to deal with the room was to make the bed with the spread over the mattress sheet and keep the rest in the wall locker. also to keep an AAFES bag in the wall locker for minor trash like envelopes and clothing tags and the like. that way the bed LOOKS made, the garbage can liner stays clean and you dont have to empty it everyday to avoid catching grief from the 1st Sgt and the Squadron Commander if they should walk through...

i suffered through a couple of more room mates and passed this same information on to them. all went well until the day i was scheduled to PCS to my first duty station after a week of leave...

i walked into the room to get my suitcase, briefcase and camera bag and i would have sworn a bomb had been detonated. seems roomie #3 had left a key to his wall locker someplace not so secure and the 1st Sgt had found it during his room inspection. inside the kids locker were, AT LEAST 12 pizza boxes, 6 AAFES bags full of trash and his bedding all of which, along with his uniforms and civilian clothing, had been strewn around the room with a note stuck on a hangar that was locked to the locker hasps (to come visit the commander)...

i had to literally climb over the mountains of debris and detritus to get my gear from my bed. i got tangled up in something on the way out but managed to 'get free' from the grasp of the mess...

i dont know what ever happened to the young Airman but i cant imagine the rest of his stay at school was very pleasant...

[rayg]

Here's one of mine. Guard duty, Germany 1958. Guard line up and inspected. The sharpest guy appointed as supernumeral which means he didn't have to stand guard unless needed.
Anyway we get in the guard truck driving us to our guard area in the Ammo dump. A large complex with Lots of numbered bunkers and streets. I'm assigned bunker numbers to guard. The truck stopped and tells me to get out. I do, and look around. It's nighttime and dark. Don't see the bunker numbers I'm assigned, he must have dropped me at the wrong place, I start walking and looking for them.
Dark night and a jeep approaches with the officer of the guard, oh oh, still can't find where my bunkers are. He'll ask and then see I'm not near them. So the best thing I could do was try to make a good impression and challenge him by the book.
I yell loudly, Halt, in a command voice, who goes there, the Lt. answers, turn lights out I say, dismount one and advance to be recongized. The Lt. comes up, I salute and say recognized sir.
He gets back in the jeep and takes off with out asking any questions. I continue walking for the next ten minutes trying to find my assigned bunkers and you guessed it, here comes the jeep again and by now I'm on a different street and still have'nt found the bunkers. Again I yell loud Halt in the same command voice, who goes there, the Lt. answers, turn lights out I say, dismount one and advance to be recongized. The Lt. comes up, I salute and say recognized sir.
And away he goes no questions, whew, good thing it's dark and he probably was'nt paying attention where he was.
The guard truck picks us up and and takes us back to the guard house. I never did find those bunkers.
After I get back, the sgt of the guard says the Lt wants to see to you. I think, oh oh, he knows.
Anyway the Lt. says to me, you did a fine job challenging me. You're relieved and the supernumeral will take your place. La tee da, how about that, LoL, Ray

[Guamsst]

In Saudi we didn't have actual "inspections" on our tents. But, if someone was a slob an NCO would come by and look at their living area then chew their @$$. We had one guy that apparently wasn't fond of showering and hadn't changed his linens for about 3 months. This info made it's way up to a MSgt who went by to take a look at things. He FLIPPED OUT!!! by his account you could clearly see the outline of the guy on his sheets. Someone asked him if it was really that bad. I doubt I'll ever forget his response. "Was it that bad? HIS SHEETS LOOKED LIKE THE GOTDAM SHROUD OF TURIN!"

While going up for a command wide award for base Fuels flights our base was picked as one of 3 finalists. When the IG team arrived for their 3 day inspection our "icebreaker" had them drunk by 10am so no inspections the first day. Day 2 we dazzled them with BS briefings about our systems and vehicles then off to the club with our "special teams" They were so hung over they did no inspecting on day 3 and almost missed their flight out. We won that years competition.

Not an inspection but funny to me atleast. We had a rash of DUIs and had to perform the retreat ceremony at the Headquarters building in service dress every Friday for I believe two months. I was running late and was worried I would arrive after they sounded retreat and the whole flight (about 100people) would see me and I would never live it down. Luck was with me though. I showed up at the last second but no one noticed as the cops had 2 cars with lights flashing behind my roommates car and had him handcuffed and bent over the trunk of his car in full service dress in front of the Headquarters building. It turns out that two genius cops had arrested him for doing 60 in a 35 even though they had no radar, did not measure his time over distance, or pace him. They admitted he accelerated hard after leaving a stop sign but stopped accelerating after crossing the intersection. How did they figure he was doing 60? "Well, we had to do like 50 to catch up with him" My roommate had the ticket thrown out on grounds of stupidity. Even my roommate freely admitted his Civic could not do 0-60 in the 40ft it took to cross that street and I'm no physicist but I am positive you can't catch a car doing 60 by driving at 50...LOL

[Darreld Walton]

The USAF is never been known for its spit and polish unless you were a SP. In my time the SP's were the like being in the military and the rest of us a loose formation of guys in uniform. For some reason in the mid 80's the SAC IG decided that an open ranks inspection in class A's was going to be part of the visit. Because of this all of us had to buy the wheel hat ie; bus drives hat because almost to a man the flight cap was our head gear.

The IG lands at Minot AFB, a blizzard then sets in, we have snow up to our butt and we are called to the gym for a pre inspection of our class A's. So there we are trying to keep neat and clean busting through snow drifts and snert. There we were in the gym in our class A's with little mud puddles forming around our feet as the snert melted. What a complete joke. All this exercise did was increase sales for clothing sales. I don't think I wore my class A's more then a dozen time in 13 years of active duty. I did wear a parka almost year round though.

Same-same, GI!!! After basic in 1973, the first thing to hit the trash can was the bus driver's cap. Never gave it another thought, until summer of 1978, when our new squadron commander (341 OMMS/MMT) decided to hold open ranks inspection. The run on hats lasted about ten seconds at the BX, and they were gone. Next door neighbor was a sky cop, and offered to loan me his, which I accepted. I hadn't tried the thing on until the evening before, and the thing was at least three sizes too small. Fortunately, I had a "one shift" standby the next morning, and caught a can change (Guidance and Control Set) and didn't have to play.
Ditto on the parka. Additionally, I don't think that I had a set of fatigues in five years that didn't have at least some spot, somewhere, of the red "pucky" that we used to seal the raceway and mating bolts.

[Darreld Walton]

Gotta say, the absolute funniest thing I saw on an inspection, (though it wasn't very funny for us at the time) was in basic at Lackland, 1973.
Most of the guys had two razors, one kept for display and never used, the other in one of those little plastic cigarette pack holders that had an elastic strap so you could keep your smokes at your ankle, and out of your pocket.
Well, the kid in the bunk next to me had his display razor out, when our TI picks it up, looks it over, and asks the young airman if he used the razor......Airman replies, "SIR, YES SIR". The TI bends over real close to the kid, and asks ""now, you wouldn't lie to yer ol' Sarge, now, would you?", kid replies "SIR, NO SIR!" Then the TI picks up the blade pack with the injector, puts in in the razor, pushes a new blade in, and out flies the blue painted, dummy, blunted 'safety blade' installed from the factory, and in slow motion that seemed to take at least ten minutes, the thing flipped and spiraled down and made a tinkling sound that seemed that it could've been heard in the next county..............took awhile for the kid to sit down after the non-surgical glutemus maximus removal.......

[Guamsst]

The Air Force comments about not wearing certain items for ages reminded me that when I went to the NCO academy I had to put two devices on my longevity ribbon. So, it had been atleast 4-5yrs since I had worn my blues...LOL

Friday I had to explain to my boss, a retired supply chief, why I never wear my blues on Mondays as required. Once the whole fuels vs. static producing skin melting polyester thing was explained he seemed to understand.

[Former Cav]

I was at Ft. Cartoon, CO in 1967 in the 1st 77th Armor Bn by the back gate going to Fountain, CO. I can't remember which tank company I was in, but each plt had 5 tanks. Each tank was numbered A-10, A-11 (1st platoon, 2nd would be A-20). Charlie Co would be C-11 etc.
Our OEM equipment had to be laid out on a tankers tarp. This tarp was real heavy canvas and must have weighed about 100 pounds and was probably 20 feet square. On one of the corners, a white square about 3 feet square was painted on it. ON that, was your vehicle number in black paint. (might have been O.D.. it's been a while). One tank was MISSING it's tarp. There was ONE tarp that had all four corners painted OVER on BOTH sides of the canvas. It was midnight requisitioned obviously from tank to tank and company to company. This thing must have weighed about 200 plus pounds and was about a 1/2 inch thick on each corner from all the paint.!! No one ever said anything.
That was the most C.S. station I was ever at. My pay records were screwed up the whole 10 months I was there. (this is why I call Ft. Carson, Fort CARTOON).