Things you don't find on Hallmark cards

[Allen]

THINGS YOU DON'T FIND ON HALLMARK CARDS

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you

I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time

let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

[rayg]

Lol, Just Great Ones...

[dryheat]

Your wife left you? That's terrible.

[what I really wanted to say]

You didn't have to kill her. You didn't have to have her killed. The fat ***** left you voluntarily. What's the matter with you?

[true story. She did weigh over 200 lbs.]

[mtnboomer]

Tahiti is wonderful,
The beaches are fine.
Wish you were..........,
Oh, never mind.