Practical Jokes

[TomSudz]

Rick suggested we post some practical jokes, so I thought I'd start us off.

In Basic Training I learned to mimic some of the Drill Sergeants. As many know, you don't walk in the barracks with your boots on because it messes up the floor. Well, you also know that when the Drill Sgt. calls for formation, you haul @ss to get there. The 4th platoon was in their barracks and all of their boots were lined up outside their door and we're on the top floor.

I walk up to their (open) door and in my best Drill Sgt. Bobonis (? spelling) yell, "Fourth platoon, you better get down in formation RIGHT NOW!" The mad scramble is on! Guys grabbing at their boots and trying to get them on and heading down the stairs. Oh, what a sight to see. Pushing, shoving, yelling, people hopping on one foot trying to get the other boot on, pandemonium! We watched from our doorway and enjoyed.

Fifteen minutes later, the 4th platoon trudges up the stairs trying to figure out what just happened. The knew they'd been had, but they didn't know who to blame. They had been in the company area in formation for around 10 or so minutes when one of their other Drill Sgts. walked through and asked what they were doing. They told him Drill Sgt. Bobonis called a formation. "He did, did he?" "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" "That's funny, he's not even here, he's off today!"

They stopped by our door on the way back in and asked if we knew what was going on. We told them we had no idea, we heard Bobonis yell to them about formation and we went to the door to see if we were going to get called too and watched them run off. That's when they told us he wasn't around. Of course, we told them that he probably was around and was probably screwing with them.

[canes7]

A reletive relayed a story about rifle inspection. It seems that their big joke was to put an empty en bloc in a soldiers Garand just before inspection. When the bolt was locked back the soldier got an en bloc in the face, right in front of the DS.

[Rick]

Had a prank go bad and was never able to share with anyone.

My section had the duty and in the middle of the night the laundry called for us to pick up our clean stuff. My striker threw a fit and didn't want to get the laundry so I said I'll get it but if someone calls and needs a photographer your going to have to do that. Well in a few minutes surprise surprise he did get a phone call telling him to get himself up to the Captains Quarter in full dress uniform. So my slacker had to shave and get dressed up in his best, grabs a camera ,and heads to the Captains Quarters. The Marine guard didn't know what was going on so he got the Captain out of bed. The Captain didn't know what was happening so he got the Admirals Captain out of bed thinking he might of ordered the photographer. This Captain didn't know anything so he got the Admiral out of bed.

By this time I have two Captains out of bed and an irate Admiral who calls my Photo Officer and get him out of bed. Really didn't plan on all this but when I walked in the door of the Photo Lab to a hornets nest I get jumped by an irate slacker and the Photo Officer. My reply I don't know I was getting the laundry and had to make three trips to get it all. Actually got away with this one and no one suspected a thing.

[Griff Murphey]

As a background note, this was when BLT 1-4 was on float for the VN evacuation in 1975. I think this was on USS DUBUQUE LPD-8.

One of the 2Lts in 1st Bn 4th Marines took another 2Lt's jockeys and put a dot of Brasso right where it would be to simulate the effects of a venereal disease. He then concocted a note saying" Lt. Jones, sir, as a Marine officer you should not be running around exposing yourself to diseases like this. This is a terrible example for your men! Signed: One of Your Men in the Laundry" and put it in with the victim's clean laundry coming back to him. The victim was alternatively paranoid ("Uh oh! Did I pick up somethin'?"), embarassed, and scared spitless until the perp let him off.

[Dan Shapiro]

One of the guys in our intelligence section had about 40 different pictures of his wife under a glass cover on his desk. She wore a different outfit in each picture, but always the same pair of sunglasses. One day we decided to 'set up' one of the most obnoxious NCO's in our section. This guy never had a kind word for anyone. So we primed him by saying "Go over to White's desk and check out the pictures of his wife. When you're done, say something like 'What's with your wife and the sunglasses, does she think she's a freaking movie star?'"

So the NCO goes over, checks out the pics and makes the movie star comment. White just looks at him and calmly says "For your information Sergeant, my wife is blind." The NCO's face turns about 6 shades of red as he mumbled an apology and hurried off. Meanwhile, the rest of us are laughing our butts off. The NCO comes back later and informs us that "White's wife is blind you stupid #$@."

The guy walked on pins and needles after that and almost became human. We waited two days before he rotated out before telling him that White's wife wasn't blind.

[John Sukey]

Not a prank, but I still remember Sgt Parks at the reception center, Ft. Leonard Wood
"This is my linoleum (running down the center of the bay) YOU will NOT walk on My linoleum"
"these are MY doors. You will NOT slam MY doors
"These are my bunks, You will NOT sit on MY bunks"
"These are MY stairs, you will NOT run down MY stairs"
And his assistant, "You have five seconds ta shine yo boots and three of them are gone already!"
The mess hall had coal burning stoves so one of the KP's jobs was "fireman"

[Michael Tompkins]

The best practical joke I recall was one that I was on the receiving end of. I was pretty brand-new and my first duty station was at a Nike-Herc site in W.Germany. As a young and dumb MP and an FNG as well, I was often given the sh*t jobs while on duty.

One particular day I was told to grab my gear and head to Missile Maintenance and report to WO3 Leon for an "assignment". I was told to take my buddy Mallory Gober as well. It seems we were to be pulling some escort duty for Mr. Leon. So we grabbed our sh*t and headed up to Maintenance, and actually kind of proud that we had been chosen. When we arrived we met Mr. Leon and he explained to us that we were going to be escorting some "Blue Status" into the Exclusion Area and then head to Charlie Barn. He handed us a silver can about the size of a coffee can with a plastic lid on it. He told us that it contained "rocket fuel" and was to be handled carefully. I took that sealed can and could feel the fuel sloshing around inside.

So back down to Post 2 we go, the whole time Gober walking beside me with his M-16 at port-arms. We arrive at Post 2 and get ready to be cleared to go into the Ex Area ( the area that contained the 3 missile barns) when we are told that "they" were not ready to receive us yet at Charlie Barn. We were then instructed by my SOG to post a guard inside Post 2 until we could go in. Still carrying the can, I was told to go inside the utility closet and shut the door. Mallory was then posted outside the door and told to use his halting procedures if approached. I do remember hearing him halt Dennis Arps who was trying to get down the hallway to use the latrine.

So, meanwhile I am standing inside the dark utility closet holding this can. I decide to turn on a light so I could see. After a few minutes, my curiousity got the better of me and I decided to see what "rocket fuel" looked like. After all, who was going to know if I popped the lid off and took a peek? So I carefully peel back the lid to see about 1" of a yellowish liquid in the bottom. I put my face down even closer to see what it smelled like and then it dawned on me! With that, I quietly knocked on the inside of the door to get Mallory's attention and then opened it. He was standing directly in front of it when I cracked it open.

I whispered, "Mallory, Mallory!"

He said, "What are you doing? You shouldn't open the door!"

I said, "The can...the can is full of piss!!

He said, "What?"

I said, "This can is full of piss!!"

With that, everyone that had been hanging around in ear-shot started laughing their ass*s off! I had to admit that it was a great prank and started laughing as well. I then asked them if they still wanted me to deliver the "rocket fuel" to Charlie Barn. We all laughed again. I'll never forget that one.

[Griff Murphey]

Related to the above, this one is hearsay as Camp Dallas (The FortWorth/Dallas high school ROTC Summer Camp at Fort Wolters in Mineral Wells, Texas) closed the summer before (1964) I started in high school, but the story goes the Cadet Col. C.O. of the camp called the duty cadet officer and requested a glass of iced lemonade be brought to him and you can imagine how it went from there, but: picture the orderly with the tray and a little towel hanging from his forearm; the "perfect" waiter. Cannot say I witnessed this, but the older guys told and retold that one.

Remember these are high school boys; another one from back then was the day they invited all of the Mineral Wells high school girls to swim and one of the cadets left a finless brown tuna on the bottom of the pool, ending the activities in shreiks.

[mike24d20]

Not a practical joke, but still funny. While in Korea in the 70's we had on site drills conducted by the bn. crt team. When they arrived an blew the horn one of the BCC personal was in the crapper. He ran outside while trailing toilet paper an yanking up his pants. At least the CRT team got a good laugh along with the rest of us . C btry. 1 st. Bn. 2 sd. ADA HAWK

[Jeff L]

One USN practical joke I heard about was putting black shoe polish on the the rubber eye cups on the "big eyes" outside the bridge. Whoever used them next would get 2 black eyes. Pray to god it wasn't the captain.

-Jeff L

[John Sukey]

Bulliten board at 101st Abn ( an officer jumped first to test wind conditions)
Day one; Colonel so and so, Weather Control officer
Day Two; Captain so and so, Turbulence tester
Day three; Lieutenant so and so, WIND DUMMY

[Rick]

We had a standard operating procedure for new officers coming on the Carrier. We would get them lost then ditch them on the ship. Every time they would ask directions someone would send them on a wild goose chase. If you saw a young officer carrying a duffel bag everyone gave them the run around. I've heard the record was a copula days but I think and hour or two was more believable.

I was standing a watch with the OD who was also the XO. We got a young boot and I was to escort him to his destination. So I took him up to the 03 level and asked him if he could wait a minute while I went to the head. Instead I went back to my watch standing by the XO. The XO eventually asked me if I had got our young officer lost. Thinking I was in trouble but would be in more trouble if I lied. I said I had. The XO actually smiled and just said good. Didn't know he had a sense of humor and was relived he didn't call the Marines to throw me in the brig.

To me the best practical jokes are the ones that could come back on you but when you get away with them they are the funniest ones. Have had jokes pulled on me several times and I really enjoyed them. If you can't laugh at yourself and see humor in things life would be boring indeed. Those that couldn't take a joke were miserable as no one would ever let up on them.

[sop2510]

The engineering spaces on a nuclear sub (everything aft of Frame 85) were normally off-limits to non-nuclear personnel, except when someone was getting qualified in submarines. The start of every patrol always had three or four NQPs (non-qualified pukes) showing up looking for a can of relative bearing grease.

[Dan Shapiro]

Did sort of the same thing with our Morse intercept operators. When one took a break and went to the can, "someone" would wander over to their radio, pick up the headsets and rub carbon paper over the earpieces. You could tell who had been around a while. On returning, first thing they did was rub their headset earpieces over their trouser leg.

On mid-watch the other 'fun' thing to do was take flash paper, wrap some around a guy who'd fallen asleep at his position. We'd wheel this HUGH CO2 fire extinguisher up behind the guy. "Someone" would yell FIRE!, at which point another person would flick a match onto the flash paper. The victim would jerk awake in time to see themselves enveloped in flames and then suddenly become doused in a really cold fog.

Funny thing was, no one usually feel asleep on mids............for some reason.

[Dan Shapiro]

On another note about 'stupid things the military does'............

One day, while at my desk going over reports, a hugh package landed in the in-box. The routing slip had my name on it, indicating that I was to review the attached planning documents, make recommendations and pass the package along. At the time, being just an E-4, I was rather proud that someone would want my humble opinion on anything. Not seeing anything I had any expertise in, I merely initialed next to my name, dated it, and passed it out.

No hit, no foul, right?

About 10 days later, I get an envelope from Planning. Inside is the routing slip, along with the following message.

"The document attached to the enclosed routing slip was set to you in error. Therefore, please draw a line through your name on the routing slip, then erase your initials and date/initial your erasure. Return documents to planning ASAP."

It's been over 30 years, so I believe the statute of limitations has run out. I can now confess that I did not erase my initials and initial my erasure. I just made an erasure mark on the paper and dated it.